The people who spend their lives caring for others are often the last to notice when they need care themselves. They can recognize burnout a mile away — in others. But when it shows up in their own reflection, they see something else entirely: failure, weakness, laziness.

I was reminded of this during a recent conversation on the Healthy Minds Philly chatline.

The woman who reached out was in her early sixties. She was grieving a child she’d lost four years earlier, supporting her incarcerated son’s family, and caring full-time for her disabled granddaughter, all while feeling completely alone. By the time she contacted us, she was spending most days in bed, unable to answer her phone, and calling herself lazy for not being able to keep up.

Then she asked, “Does it surprise you that my occupation is a nurse?”

It didn’t surprise me at all. Caregiving was so deeply part of her identity that she couldn’t see her exhaustion as real. She could only see failure.

When your sense of self is built around holding everything together, admitting you’re struggling can feel like losing yourself. That’s the caregiver’s blind spot, and it’s one that peer support is uniquely equipped to meet.

When I reflected back that what she was describing sounded like burnout, not a personal flaw, something shifted. She stopped apologizing. Her voice steadied. The weight didn’t vanish, but she could finally see it instead of feeling buried beneath it.

From there, we talked about small steps. She had phone calls to make for her granddaughter’s services, and the task felt impossible. So we broke it down: find the number, dial, say one sentence. It didn’t have to be perfect. She just had to start.

“I can do it,” she said. “I just have to take a deep breath and have all the info in front of me.”

Before she left the chat, I asked if our conversation had been helpful. “Yes, very helpful,” she said. Then added, “You have been a blessing.”
This is what peer support looks like.

The Healthy Minds Philly chatline is staffed by Certified Peer Specialists — people trained in supportive listening who also bring lived experience with mental health challenges. Peer support isn’t therapy or crisis intervention. It’s someone who has been there, meeting you where you are, helping you feel seen, and reminding you that you’re not alone in what you’re carrying.

She came to the chatline looking for support, and most importantly, she let herself receive it. That matters, especially for those who have spent their lives being the strong one. I told her she wasn’t lazy. I told her she was burned out. It was exactly what she needed to hear, and I’m grateful I got to be the one to say it.

If any of this sounds familiar, the chatline is here for you too. You don’t have to carry it all alone.

Author: Brian Montgomery, CPS 

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