We met when I was 16 years old, and nearly 20 years and several serious relationships later, he remains the love of my life. His smile, his sense of humor, and his ever-giving selflessness are what I loved the most about him. Drugs took that all away.<\/p>\n
Early on, I wasn\u2019t as concerned about his drug use because he worked full time in construction and went to community college at night. It was 2003, and I lived in the dorms at Temple University. We saw each other on weekends and occasionally during the week; but I had no idea how the disease of addiction was developing. \u00a0Looking back now, it makes sense considering his family\u2019s cycle of addiction. His own father had overdosed a few years prior, and other members of his immediate family were in various stages of addiction.<\/p>\n
For his 22nd<\/sup> birthday, we took a trip to Ft. Lauderdale. While there, he never wanted to leave the hotel and unbeknownst to me, he was going through withdrawal. Recognizing how serious his addiction was, our relationship quickly fell apart. I was pregnant with our son and we had little to no contact during that time. But when our son was born in July 2006, he came to the hospital, and I was in complete denial of his addiction<\/strong>.<\/p>\n We got back together that summer and I started nursing school in the fall of 2006. It wasn\u2019t until I found numerous needles in his bed that it hit me: he was abusing heroin<\/strong>. By December, he had overdosed 3 times, spent a month in rehab, and detoxed twice. \u00a0\u00a0I found myself missing school, having sleepless nights, and not focusing on our son, instead spending that time driving around looking for him, hoping and praying I wouldn\u2019t find him dead somewhere.<\/p>\n The following June he was found on the street, unconscious, with half of his head shaved. Pastor Rob, who was his biggest supporter and father figure, convinced him to seek inpatient treatment. I was adamant that he was not permitted to see our son while he was using. He put me through a lot of headaches over custody. He was scheduled to give a urine sample at a custody hearing, and he didn\u2019t show up.<\/p>\n After that we didn\u2019t hear from him for years. Still, I spoke to his family and to Pastor Rob to check up on him because I still loved him<\/strong>. When he later went to jail, I wrote him a letter telling him how disappointed I was in the person he had become.<\/p>\n By 2013 I received word from several people that he had stopped using, had completed treatment with methadone, and was actually doing very well. I didn\u2019t believe it. I had convinced myself that I was done with him\u2026 until he called. I heard his voice for the first time in years and my heart melted. I could tell from the clarity in his words that he was \u2018clean\u2019. All of the emotions I had felt for him as a young teenager in love came rushing back.<\/p>\n The next time I saw him again was at our son\u2019s baseball game. I tried to play it cool, but all I wanted to do was give him a hug and kiss and never let him go. I wanted to protect him from ever getting caught up in that life again<\/strong>.<\/p>\n We started to hang out after work. We went to the gym together and laughed for hours. We took yoga classes and it felt like the old days. I went to church with him at Pastor Rob\u2019s services. We spoke about getting back together and being a family for our son. Everything seemed perfect; but I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.<\/p>\n As much as I wanted to give it a try and get back together, I just couldn\u2019t trust him. I couldn\u2019t risk my son being hurt<\/strong> if things didn\u2019t work out. I couldn\u2019t risk his dad being ripped from his life again, because this time he\u2019d remember it. If it was just me, it would be different; I wouldn\u2019t have as much to risk losing. That\u2019s when we had a falling out and stopped talking. He couldn\u2019t understand my decision.<\/p>\n Months later, I received a call letting me know that he had fallen through a roof while working, crushing his legs. That\u2019s when everything unraveled. His injury required surgeries and pain medication; and his demons came back full force<\/strong>.<\/p>\n On Christmas day, my son asked to go see his dad. He hadn\u2019t seen him in nearly a year and a half. I reluctantly and cautiously allowed the meeting. I was in a relationship and 8 months pregnant, and yet it was so difficult to see this man who I loved so much still struggling. My son was elated to see him, but the visit barely lasted an hour. I didn\u2019t know then that it would be the last time my son would see his father<\/strong>.<\/p>\n A little over a month later I was in the car with my boyfriend, talking to him about my prom. I hadn\u2019t spoken much about my son\u2019s father to him, but it was nice to reminisce about the good times. It was then that my phone rang; Pastor Rob\u2019s name popped up on the screen.<\/p>\n Pastor Rob meekly said, \u201cCourt, he overdosed and he passed away.\u201d<\/p>\n The day of his funeral was just days before I gave birth to my daughter. It\u2019s impossible to explain the pain I felt. I literally wanted to climb into the casket and just lay there to hold him, to smell him. I\u2019ve never felt pain like that<\/strong>. As I sit here typing this 4 years later, tears fill my eyes and I continue to miss him.<\/p>\n When our son was a baby, I prayed that if he couldn\u2019t beat this disease that he would just pass away and be free. I couldn\u2019t regret that more. I regret everything. I hold so much guilt. Why hadn\u2019t I been there more for him? Why didn\u2019t I stay in his corner and help him fight this? Why did I say and text such mean things? I have gone through every stage of mourning, guilt and regret.<\/p>\n He was my first love. First loves are pure and unbiased; you haven\u2019t yet been jaded by heartache. I\u2019ve gotten to the point now where I\u2019m happy to have had that love. Our son is living proof of that love. And our son also gives me hope that this familial cycle of addiction will end with him<\/strong>.<\/p>\n About the Author: Courtney is a Philadelphia native currently living in Bayonne, NJ. When she\u2019s not chauffeuring her son to his numerous sporting events, and being the mom to two active toddlers, she works full time as a NICU nurse.<\/em><\/p>\n If you or someone you know are in need of Substance Use Disorder treatment, please call 1-888-545-2600 and read our\u00a0Accessing Treatment information sheet<\/strong><\/a>. There are also support groups for addiction<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" We met when I was 16 years old, and nearly 20 years and several serious relationships later, he remains the love of my life. His smile, his sense of humor, and his ever-giving selflessness are what I loved the most about him. Drugs took that all away. Early on, I wasn\u2019t as concerned about his drug use because he worked full time in construction and went to community college at night. It was 2003, and I lived in the dorms at Temple University. We saw each other on weekends and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[658,986],"tags":[9,853],"class_list":["post-13920","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-addiction","category-lived-experience","tag-addiction","tag-heroin"],"yoast_head":"\n